Ok, so now for our very first study hall story! I had to root through a dozen before I finally found one appropriate enough to post online.
There once was a lesbian named Paris Hilton. She went to jail. Then she had sex with Nicole on MTV. She said, "That's hot," after. Then they got out of jail after a whole four days! *gasp!* Then they threw a fit, for less food, because they were getting FAT!!!!! So they got no food, and complained again and had a bitch fight with a hot guard named Pete Wentz. Pete lost. So she was given the worst punishment- isolation from her cellphone! And her dog. The dog was so happy, he humped Pete's leg. Then Paris had sex with her dog and guard simultaneously... Then Pete let her go. OMG DRAMA. But the dog stayed with Pete and Paris got a cat instead.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Study Hall Jokes, in Poetry Form
I was looking through my old saved documents, and had a good laugh at this, even though I have no idea who wrote it. It's way too great to be mine! Anyone want to claim it?
I burned off half my eyebrow and
I went to a pirate formal
Where my eyebrow looked normal
And I made out with the marching band.
I got drunk in an M&M bath with my rubber duck
I jumped out of the bath and married a gay man in Vegas.
We spent our wedding night in the hotel of Pegasus.
At Panda Express my fortune cookie predicted good luck.
I burned off half my eyebrow and
I went to a pirate formal
Where my eyebrow looked normal
And I made out with the marching band.
I got drunk in an M&M bath with my rubber duck
I jumped out of the bath and married a gay man in Vegas.
We spent our wedding night in the hotel of Pegasus.
At Panda Express my fortune cookie predicted good luck.
Eggbert's Challenge
Once upon a time there lived a man named Mr. Devries. He had a mortal enemy named Eggbert. Eggbert had many evil powers, like making people feel incredibly uncomfortable, stalking, and using a secret disguise as Spongebob to carry out his evil duties. Mr. DeVries also had many powers, including throwing deadly markers and snapping at his enemies.
The two lived in mutual dislike but in relative harmony together, until one day when Eggbert saw DeVries making fun of him. Eggbert was so upset that he turned into Spongebob and utilized his greatest strength: making people uncomfortable. He walked into DeVries’s class and started cracking horrible jokes. DeVries, seeing this awful offense, decided to strike back. He challenged Eggbert. If he could make a marker land on a tray then Eggbert must leave the campus…forever! Eggbert knew DeVries’s track record, so he accepted the challenge, but he added to it first. If DeVries missed, then DeVries must become Eggbert’s slave for one year, though he could still teach if he did miss. Dun dun duh.
This epic moment that would decide the fate of these two weirdos was scheduled to happen at exactly 3:37 and 2 seconds on the following Thursday. They both needed to prepare since they were both very unprepared people. Every day afterschool DeVries would practice until the cows came home, instead of grading papers. He got so behind on grading that he decided to give everyone A’s. Eggbert on the other hand didn’t really have any way to prepare except to try and play mind games with DeVries. So he practiced playing mind games on his Statistics students, since the minds of Statistics students are clearly worth less than the minds of Calculus students. He got so good from doing it so often that half of his students dropped. One girl named Vienna though was determined to beat down his bullying. She made a plan and called her friend Jordan Bratton to take down the evil Dr. Eggbert (he earned his doctorate in that brief time since he issued the challenge). But unbeknownst to his students, Dr. Eggbert had phone taps on everyone in the world and he heard Vienna and Jordan’s conversation. And, using his expert skill of stalking, he released on Vienna and Jordan her most feared animal, the blast-ended screwt! Vienna, in utter fear, fled the country and was never heard from again. Eggbert, feeling successful, turned his attention back to DeVries.
There was one day left before the duel, and he had a brilliantly evil plan. He sent his most faithful, sycophantic, evil student Dwight C. Brute to steal all of DeVries’s pens out of his classroom. Luckily DeVries was allied with Burrows and was able to “borrow” some from him. The day finally came and the entire school and 67% of America gathered around to watch. The paparazzi were there, taking pictures of DeVries wearing an incredibly becoming jogging outfit. Even celebrities showed up to the event, including Harry Potter and various Care Bears. Finally it was 3:07, 20 minutes and 2 seconds until the world would change. DeVries was shaking in his boots as he warmed up. Eggbert was preparing to play mind games by practicing on his students and on Paris Hilton, another celebrity that came to watch. Surprising everyone, Leslie Lane showed up and started chanting, “Burn ‘em out!” No one really paid her any attention so she went off into a corner and started pouting.
But Eggbert was smitten by the beautiful rapper Leslie Lane. He comforted her in the corner as the minutes ticked down to 3:27:2. Despite Eggbert’s attempt to comfort Leslie, she was still very upset so she ran to her car where she had 3 gas cans. Then she hired Harry Potter to douse the place of the match in gasoline as he flew around on his broom in his invisibility cloak. But Harry Potter, being the good guy he is, switched the gasoline out for Kool Aid. Ohhh yeahhhh! Suddently Harry flew over DeVries and covered him in sticky purple Kool Aid! Oh no! What will happen now?
Eggbert, seeing what a horrible state DeVries was in, started laughing. He laughed so hard that he burst his appendix and had to be rushed to the hospital. But DeVries’s mistress Monica Lewinsky was the ambulance driver. She got hungry, so she stopped at Baha Fresh before she would drive the appendicitis Eggbert to the hospital. At Baja Fresh she ran into her ex, Bill Clinton. Can you say awkward! Because of all this drama, she forgot about Eggbert and went home instead to have some serious girl talk. Eggbert’s appendix was just about to rupture when he miraculously healed himself.
Dazed and confused he stumbled out of the ambulance and into the parking lot. He found himself becoming hungry, so he got a delicious taco from Baha before using his egg powers to transport himself back to San Marcos. But alas it was 3:37 and 4 seconds. 2 seconds had passes since the challenge was supposed to begin. The crowd was furious! So carelessly DeVries let loose the first pen right as Harry Potter flew past the board. All of a sudden Lord Voldemort showed up and started attacking Harry! Harry fell to the ground, dead. Then Voldemort caught sight of DeVries in his becoming jogging suit and instantly fell in love with DeVries. Only Harry wasn’t really dead because that kind of stuff just doesn’t happen. So Harry, seeing Voldemort’s infatuation with DeVries, grew jealous and hit Voldemort in the back with the Avada Kadavra spell! But because Harry is such a softy, the spell failed and only knocked Voldemort out. Eggbert was watching all of this unfold, and he was very confused. No surprise there though.
Suddenly Harry pointed his wand at Eggbert and used a love spell to make Eggbert love the first person he saw. Eggbert turned around and there he saw Mr. DeVries! Who knew? So Eggbert says to DeVries, “Wait! I have new conditions. If your pen doesn’t’ land in the tray within 3 tries you must marry me!”
“Fine!” DeVries shouted back, clearly not having thought about what he just agreed to.
And so DeVries tossed his pen and it didn’t even come close. “Gah!” he roared in a Mr. Burrows-esque voice. He stuck out his tongue, pursued his lips, threw the other and it missed. Dun dun dun.
Now the final toss had come. As the pen flew through the air, everyone watched as it made it! Seeing Eggbert so devastated, Harry again used the Amor spell to make him love none other than Leslie Lane! Harry also hit DeVries with the Amor spell by accident, just as Burrows walked in. And he hit Vienna to make her love him instead of Jake. Everyone was happy, except Leslie, because how could Dr. Eggbert make anyone happy?
The End
The two lived in mutual dislike but in relative harmony together, until one day when Eggbert saw DeVries making fun of him. Eggbert was so upset that he turned into Spongebob and utilized his greatest strength: making people uncomfortable. He walked into DeVries’s class and started cracking horrible jokes. DeVries, seeing this awful offense, decided to strike back. He challenged Eggbert. If he could make a marker land on a tray then Eggbert must leave the campus…forever! Eggbert knew DeVries’s track record, so he accepted the challenge, but he added to it first. If DeVries missed, then DeVries must become Eggbert’s slave for one year, though he could still teach if he did miss. Dun dun duh.
This epic moment that would decide the fate of these two weirdos was scheduled to happen at exactly 3:37 and 2 seconds on the following Thursday. They both needed to prepare since they were both very unprepared people. Every day afterschool DeVries would practice until the cows came home, instead of grading papers. He got so behind on grading that he decided to give everyone A’s. Eggbert on the other hand didn’t really have any way to prepare except to try and play mind games with DeVries. So he practiced playing mind games on his Statistics students, since the minds of Statistics students are clearly worth less than the minds of Calculus students. He got so good from doing it so often that half of his students dropped. One girl named Vienna though was determined to beat down his bullying. She made a plan and called her friend Jordan Bratton to take down the evil Dr. Eggbert (he earned his doctorate in that brief time since he issued the challenge). But unbeknownst to his students, Dr. Eggbert had phone taps on everyone in the world and he heard Vienna and Jordan’s conversation. And, using his expert skill of stalking, he released on Vienna and Jordan her most feared animal, the blast-ended screwt! Vienna, in utter fear, fled the country and was never heard from again. Eggbert, feeling successful, turned his attention back to DeVries.
There was one day left before the duel, and he had a brilliantly evil plan. He sent his most faithful, sycophantic, evil student Dwight C. Brute to steal all of DeVries’s pens out of his classroom. Luckily DeVries was allied with Burrows and was able to “borrow” some from him. The day finally came and the entire school and 67% of America gathered around to watch. The paparazzi were there, taking pictures of DeVries wearing an incredibly becoming jogging outfit. Even celebrities showed up to the event, including Harry Potter and various Care Bears. Finally it was 3:07, 20 minutes and 2 seconds until the world would change. DeVries was shaking in his boots as he warmed up. Eggbert was preparing to play mind games by practicing on his students and on Paris Hilton, another celebrity that came to watch. Surprising everyone, Leslie Lane showed up and started chanting, “Burn ‘em out!” No one really paid her any attention so she went off into a corner and started pouting.
But Eggbert was smitten by the beautiful rapper Leslie Lane. He comforted her in the corner as the minutes ticked down to 3:27:2. Despite Eggbert’s attempt to comfort Leslie, she was still very upset so she ran to her car where she had 3 gas cans. Then she hired Harry Potter to douse the place of the match in gasoline as he flew around on his broom in his invisibility cloak. But Harry Potter, being the good guy he is, switched the gasoline out for Kool Aid. Ohhh yeahhhh! Suddently Harry flew over DeVries and covered him in sticky purple Kool Aid! Oh no! What will happen now?
Eggbert, seeing what a horrible state DeVries was in, started laughing. He laughed so hard that he burst his appendix and had to be rushed to the hospital. But DeVries’s mistress Monica Lewinsky was the ambulance driver. She got hungry, so she stopped at Baha Fresh before she would drive the appendicitis Eggbert to the hospital. At Baja Fresh she ran into her ex, Bill Clinton. Can you say awkward! Because of all this drama, she forgot about Eggbert and went home instead to have some serious girl talk. Eggbert’s appendix was just about to rupture when he miraculously healed himself.
Dazed and confused he stumbled out of the ambulance and into the parking lot. He found himself becoming hungry, so he got a delicious taco from Baha before using his egg powers to transport himself back to San Marcos. But alas it was 3:37 and 4 seconds. 2 seconds had passes since the challenge was supposed to begin. The crowd was furious! So carelessly DeVries let loose the first pen right as Harry Potter flew past the board. All of a sudden Lord Voldemort showed up and started attacking Harry! Harry fell to the ground, dead. Then Voldemort caught sight of DeVries in his becoming jogging suit and instantly fell in love with DeVries. Only Harry wasn’t really dead because that kind of stuff just doesn’t happen. So Harry, seeing Voldemort’s infatuation with DeVries, grew jealous and hit Voldemort in the back with the Avada Kadavra spell! But because Harry is such a softy, the spell failed and only knocked Voldemort out. Eggbert was watching all of this unfold, and he was very confused. No surprise there though.
Suddenly Harry pointed his wand at Eggbert and used a love spell to make Eggbert love the first person he saw. Eggbert turned around and there he saw Mr. DeVries! Who knew? So Eggbert says to DeVries, “Wait! I have new conditions. If your pen doesn’t’ land in the tray within 3 tries you must marry me!”
“Fine!” DeVries shouted back, clearly not having thought about what he just agreed to.
And so DeVries tossed his pen and it didn’t even come close. “Gah!” he roared in a Mr. Burrows-esque voice. He stuck out his tongue, pursued his lips, threw the other and it missed. Dun dun dun.
Now the final toss had come. As the pen flew through the air, everyone watched as it made it! Seeing Eggbert so devastated, Harry again used the Amor spell to make him love none other than Leslie Lane! Harry also hit DeVries with the Amor spell by accident, just as Burrows walked in. And he hit Vienna to make her love him instead of Jake. Everyone was happy, except Leslie, because how could Dr. Eggbert make anyone happy?
The End
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